Terms of Service

1. Acceptance of Terms

By accessing the Small Ball Technologies website (smallball.org), purchasing any of our products, or engaging in the testicular optimization protocol (hereinafter "the Journey"), you agree to be bound by these Terms of Service ("Terms"), our Privacy Policy, and the Scrotal Data Protection Protocol (SDPP).

If you do not agree to these Terms, please discontinue use of our services immediately and return your testicles to their factory settings.

These Terms constitute a legally binding agreement between you ("User," "Client," "Optimizee") and Small Ball Technologies GmbH, Kurfürstendamm 42, 10719 Berlin, Germany ("Company," "we," "us," "the architects of your smaller future").

2. Eligibility

To use our services, you must meet all of the following criteria:

1. Age: You must be at least 18 years of age. We recognize the irony that our founder is 12. Jonathan is an exception to most rules, including this one.
2. Anatomical Prerequisite: You must possess testicles. This is a functional requirement, not a philosophical one. The Company does not discriminate on the basis of how you came to possess them.
3. Intellectual Acknowledgment: By proceeding, you acknowledge that a 12-year-old is, in all measurable respects, smarter than you. This is not a matter of opinion; it is reflected in Jonathan's published HMI research, his three pending patents, and his ability to pronounce "Hoffman-Manchauser" correctly on the first try.
4. Medical Clearance: You should consult with a licensed medical professional before beginning any testicular optimization protocol. We say "should" and not "must" because, frankly, most physicians will not understand what you are talking about, and that is not our fault.
5. Jurisdictional Eligibility: Our products and services are available in jurisdictions where testicular optimization is not explicitly prohibited. As of this writing, no jurisdiction has thought to prohibit it. We consider this a temporary oversight.

3. Description of Services

Small Ball Technologies provides the following products and services (collectively, the "Optimization Suite"):

1. BallRedux™ Topical Cream: A proprietary botanical formulation designed for daily scrotal application. Contains a blend of natural compounds including Icelandic kelp extract, Japanese knotweed, and other ingredients whose testicular applications have not been evaluated by the FDA, EMA, or any other regulatory body that would have had the imagination to do so.
2. CompressCore™ Underwear: Precision-engineered compression garments with optional Smart Fabric™ telemetry. Available in Standard, Professional, and Executive Compression tiers.
3. VacuBall™ Pro Device: A medical-grade vacuum optimization device for home use. "Medical-grade" refers to the materials used in construction, not to any endorsement by the medical establishment.
4. The Complete Protocol: A bundled offering comprising all three products above, a personalized optimization plan, a baseline HMI assessment, and monthly check-in calls with a certified Optimization Specialist.
5. HMI Assessment Services: Baseline and ongoing Hoffman-Manchauser Index scoring to track your optimization progress.

4. Product Disclaimers & Representations

1. Results May Vary: Individual optimization outcomes depend on a multitude of factors including genetics, adherence to the protocol, baseline testicular volume, ambient temperature, emotional state, and whether Mercury is in retrograde (this last factor is included for completeness; Jonathan does not believe in astrology but cannot yet rule it out).
2. "Smaller" Is Relative: When we say our products make things "smaller," we mean relative to your pre-optimization baseline. We do not guarantee any absolute measurement. What constitutes "optimally small" is determined by the Hoffman-Manchauser Index and may differ from your personal expectations.
3. Cognitive Enhancement Claims: Ball Theory posits a correlation between testicular volume reduction and cognitive enhancement. This correlation has been observed in our internal studies and is supported by the published work of Dr. Hoffmann and Prof. Manchauser. It has not been independently replicated by researchers who were not employed by, affiliated with, or emotionally invested in Small Ball Technologies. We believe this says more about the scientific establishment than it does about our research.
4. Not a Medical Device: None of our products are registered medical devices in any jurisdiction. The VacuBall™ Pro is classified as a "wellness device" under our internal categorization system, which is the only categorization system that matters to us.
5. Relationship Changes: Small Ball Technologies is not responsible for any changes in your personal, romantic, or professional relationships that may result from the optimization process. This includes but is not limited to: increased attention from partners, decreased patience for intellectual inferiors, spontaneous career pivots, and an irresistible compulsion to share your optimization journey at dinner parties.
6. Photographs: The "before and after" photographs featured in our marketing materials are from real clients who provided informed consent. Lighting conditions were consistent across all photographs. We cannot guarantee that your results will photograph as dramatically, though we encourage you to use flattering lighting.

5. Pricing & Payment

1. All prices are listed in Euros (€) and include applicable VAT (Mehrwertsteuer) at the current German rate.
2. Payment is due at the time of purchase. We accept major credit cards, PayPal, bank transfer (SEPA), and, for orders exceeding €10,000, discreet wire transfer.
3. Subscription services (CompressCore™ Monthly, BallRedux™ Auto-Refill) will be billed on a recurring basis until cancelled. Cancellation must be submitted at least 14 days before the next billing cycle.
4. We reserve the right to modify pricing at any time. Price increases for existing subscribers will be communicated with 30 days' notice and a brief explanation of how the increase contributes to the advancement of Ball Theory.

6. The 90-Day Satisfaction Guarantee & Refund Policy

We stand behind our products with a 90-Day Satisfaction Guarantee, subject to the following terms:

1. Eligibility Period: The 90-day guarantee period begins on the date of delivery of your first product shipment, not the date of purchase, sign-up, or the moment you first considered optimizing your testicles.
2. What's Covered: The guarantee applies to measurable testicular size reduction as determined by the SmallBall Caliper System™. If you have not experienced any measurable reduction after 90 days of consistent protocol adherence, you may request a full refund of product costs (excluding shipping).
3. Protocol Adherence Requirement: To qualify for a refund, you must demonstrate that you have followed the prescribed optimization protocol for at least 80% of the guarantee period. This includes daily BallRedux™ application, minimum 8-hour daily CompressCore™ wear, and at least three VacuBall™ sessions per week. Adherence is tracked automatically through our systems and/or through your self-reported optimization journal.
4. Measurement Verification: Refund claims must be accompanied by a baseline measurement (taken at the start of your Journey) and a current measurement, both conducted using the SmallBall Caliper System™ or an equivalent precision instrument. Self-estimates, partner assessments, and "I can just tell" do not constitute valid measurements.
5. Exclusions: The guarantee does not cover:
   • Dissatisfaction with the rate of optimization (some balls are more resistant to change than others)
   • Changes of heart, mind, or romantic partner
   • Philosophical objections to Ball Theory that developed after purchase
   • Products that have been used in ways not described in the official protocol (creativity is valued at our company, but not in product application)
   • The Complete Protocol bundle if individual products have been returned separately
6. Refund Process: Approved refunds are processed within 14 business days to the original payment method. A brief exit survey is required, which takes approximately 5 minutes and helps us improve our services. The survey includes one question that Jonathan wrote himself, which you are welcome to find charming.
7. Return of Products: Partially used BallRedux™ Cream need not be returned (for obvious hygienic reasons). CompressCore™ underwear must be returned in clean condition. VacuBall™ devices must be returned in their original packaging with all accessories. We trust you to clean it first.

7. Intellectual Property

1. The following are registered trademarks of Small Ball Technologies GmbH: Ball Theory™, Hoffman-Manchauser Index™ (HMI™), BallRedux™, CompressCore™, Smart Fabric™, VacuBall™, SmallBall Caliper System™, EmpathyShrink™, "The Future Is Small."™, "Optimize Your Potential."™, and the SmallBall dual-sphere logo.
2. The scientific methodology underlying Ball Theory, the HMI scoring algorithm, and the formulations for all Company products are proprietary trade secrets. Reverse engineering, decompilation, or independent replication of our methodologies is strictly prohibited and, honestly, would be very difficult given that key elements exist only in Jonathan's head.
3. All website content, including text, graphics, images, data compilations, and software, is the property of Small Ball Technologies GmbH and is protected under German and international copyright law.
4. Users may not use the Company's trademarks, trade names, or branding in any manner that suggests endorsement, affiliation, or the existence of a testicular optimization program that they did not, in fact, develop.
5. User-submitted content (including progress photographs, testimonials, and HMI scores) remains the property of the User. However, by submitting such content, you grant Small Ball Technologies a non-exclusive, worldwide, royalty-free, perpetual license to use, reproduce, and display such content for marketing, research, and Jonathan's TEDx presentations, in anonymized or non-anonymized form as specified in your consent agreement.

8. User Conduct

When using our services, you agree not to:

1. Use our products for any purpose other than personal testicular optimization as described in the official protocol.
2. Share your account credentials, HMI scores, or VacuBall™ device with unauthorized individuals. Your optimization Journey is personal. Treat it as such.
3. Submit false, misleading, or deliberately inflated testicular measurements. The SmallBall Caliper System™ has error margins of ±0.3mm and will eventually catch you.
4. Publicly disparage Ball Theory, the Hoffman-Manchauser Index, or the Company's products without first having completed a full 90-day protocol. We welcome informed criticism. Uninformed criticism is just noise from people with large testicles.
5. Attempt to contact Jonathan directly through personal channels. All communication with our founder must go through official Company channels. He is busy. He has homework.
6. Use our website or services to harvest, mine, or collect scrotal data belonging to other users. This should go without saying, but our legal team insists.
7. Post or transmit any content that is unlawful, threatening, abusive, or that constitutes unsolicited testicular commentary directed at other users.

9. Limitation of Liability

1. TO THE MAXIMUM EXTENT PERMITTED BY APPLICABLE LAW, SMALL BALL TECHNOLOGIES GMBH SHALL NOT BE LIABLE FOR ANY INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, CONSEQUENTIAL, OR PUNITIVE DAMAGES ARISING FROM OR RELATED TO YOUR USE OF OUR PRODUCTS OR SERVICES.
2. In no event shall the Company's total aggregate liability exceed the amount you paid for the specific product or service giving rise to the claim during the twelve (12) months preceding the event.
3. Without limiting the foregoing, the Company shall not be liable for damages arising from:
   • An unexpectedly enthusiastic optimization outcome that exceeds your personal comfort zone or aesthetic preferences
   • Social consequences of discussing your optimization journey in professional settings, at family gatherings, or on dates
   • The inability of third-party medical professionals to comprehend, appreciate, or take seriously the Hoffman-Manchauser Index
   • Emotional distress caused by discovering that a 12-year-old has a more successful company than you
   • Wardrobe changes necessitated by successful optimization (we recommend our CompressCore™ line for ongoing comfort)
   • Arguments with partners, friends, or strangers that result from your post-optimization cognitive enhancement and corresponding decrease in tolerance for intellectual mediocrity
   • VacuBall™ suction marks that persist beyond the expected 20-minute fade time (individual skin sensitivity varies)
   • Any scenario that begins with "I didn't read the instructions but..."
4. The limitations in this section apply regardless of the theory of liability, whether based on warranty, contract, statute, tort (including negligence), or otherwise, and regardless of whether the Company has been advised of the possibility of such damages.

10. Indemnification

You agree to indemnify, defend, and hold harmless Small Ball Technologies GmbH, its officers (Jonathan), directors, employees, agents, and affiliates from and against any claims, liabilities, damages, losses, and expenses (including reasonable legal fees) arising out of or in any way connected with:

• Your use or misuse of our products and services
• Your violation of these Terms
• Your violation of any rights of a third party
• Any content you submit, post, or transmit through our platforms
• Your decision to explain Ball Theory to your physician, resulting in any form of medical intervention that we did not prescribe

11. Termination

1. You may terminate your account and discontinue your optimization Journey at any time by contacting support@smallball.org. We will process your request within 14 days. We may send one (1) polite email asking if you're sure.
2. We may terminate or suspend your account immediately, without prior notice, if you:
   • Violate these Terms
   • Submit fraudulent measurements
   • Engage in conduct that is harmful to other users or to the reputation of the Company
   • Are discovered to be operating a competing testicular optimization service (unlikely, but our legal team worries about everything)
3. Upon termination, your right to access our services ceases immediately. Data retention following termination is governed by our Privacy Policy.

12. Dispute Resolution

1. Informal Resolution: Before initiating any formal proceedings, you agree to contact us at legal@smallball.org and attempt to resolve the dispute informally within 30 days. Most disputes can be resolved through a calm, rational conversation. Jonathan recommends approaching the discussion with optimized cognitive clarity.
2. Mediation: If informal resolution fails, the parties agree to submit to mediation administered by a mutually agreed-upon mediator in Berlin, Germany, before pursuing arbitration or litigation.
3. Arbitration: Disputes not resolved through mediation shall be finally resolved by binding arbitration in Berlin, Germany, in accordance with the rules of the German Institution of Arbitration (Deutsche Institution für Schiedsgerichtsbarkeit, DIS).
4. Class Action Waiver: To the extent permitted by law, you agree to bring claims only in your individual capacity and not as a plaintiff or class member in any purported class, consolidated, or representative proceeding. There is no class action for testicular optimization grievances.

13. Governing Law & Jurisdiction

These Terms shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of the Federal Republic of Germany, without regard to its conflict of law provisions.

The exclusive venue for any disputes arising under these Terms shall be the courts of Berlin, Germany (Amtsgericht or Landgericht Berlin, as applicable). By agreeing to these Terms, you consent to the personal jurisdiction and venue of said courts.

For consumers within the European Union: Nothing in these Terms affects your rights under mandatory consumer protection laws of your country of residence. The European Commission provides an online dispute resolution platform at https://ec.europa.eu/consumers/odr. We are obliged to inform you of this. We have now informed you of this.

14. Modifications to Terms

We reserve the right to modify these Terms at any time. Changes will be posted on this page with an updated "Last Updated" date. Material changes will be communicated via email and/or prominent website notice at least 30 days before they take effect.

Your continued use of our services after the effective date of any modifications constitutes acceptance of the updated Terms. If you disagree with any changes, your sole remedy is to discontinue use of our services and begin the unfortunate process of testicular de-optimization (a process for which we currently offer no support).

15. Severability

If any provision of these Terms is held to be invalid, illegal, or unenforceable, the remaining provisions shall continue in full force and effect. The invalid provision shall be modified to the minimum extent necessary to make it valid, legal, and enforceable while preserving its original intent — much like how we optimize testicles to the minimum size necessary to achieve peak cognitive function while preserving their original biological purpose.

16. Entire Agreement

These Terms, together with the Privacy Policy, the SDPP, and any product-specific agreements you have entered into, constitute the entire agreement between you and Small Ball Technologies GmbH regarding the subject matter hereof. Any prior agreements, understandings, representations, or casual conversations about testicular size that you may have had are hereby superseded.

17. Contact Information

For questions about these Terms, please contact: