Privacy Policy

1. Introduction

Small Ball Technologies GmbH ("we," "us," "the Company," or "the entity that knows your testicular dimensions") is committed to protecting the privacy of your personal data, including but not limited to your scrotal data, testicular telemetry, and optimization metrics.

This Privacy Policy explains how we collect, use, store, and occasionally marvel at the data you entrust to us when you visit our website (smallball.org), use our products, or participate in the testicular optimization protocol (the "Journey").

We comply with the European Union General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR), the German Federal Data Protection Act (Bundesdatenschutzgesetz, BDSG), and our proprietary Scrotal Data Protection Protocol (SDPP), which goes considerably beyond what any reasonable legislature would have ever thought to require.

2. Data We Collect

In the course of providing our services, we may collect the following categories of data:

2.1 Standard Personal Data

• Name, email address, phone number, and billing address
• Date of birth (to confirm eligibility and calculate your Optimization Age™)
• Preferred language and communication preferences
• Account credentials and authentication tokens

2.2 Scrotal & Testicular Data

• Baseline testicular measurements (volume, circumference, bilateral symmetry index)
• Hoffman-Manchauser Index (HMI) scores, both initial and ongoing
• Optimization progress data, including weekly measurement submissions
• Before, during, and after progress photographs (submitted voluntarily through the SmallBall Portal™)
• Real-time compression metrics from CompressCore™ underwear (if Smart Fabric™ telemetry is enabled)
• VacuBall™ session logs, including suction intensity, duration, and user-reported comfort ratings
• BallRedux™ Cream application frequency, quantity dispensed, and skin reaction data
• Ambient scrotal temperature readings (where available through connected devices)

2.3 Cognitive & Behavioral Data

• Pre- and post-optimization IQ assessments
• Self-reported cognitive enhancement metrics (memory, focus, "debate readiness")
• Career advancement milestones (promotions, salary increases, successful arguments with CEOs)
• Emotional intelligence scores, as measured by the proprietary EmpathyShrink™ assessment

2.4 Technical Data

• IP address, browser type, device information
• Pages visited, time spent on each page (particularly the products page)
• Referral source (how you heard about testicular optimization)
• Interaction data with our Scrotal Data Trackers (see Section 7)

3. How We Use Your Data

We process your data for the following purposes:

• Service Delivery: To customize your optimization protocol, calibrate your VacuBall™ settings, and track your Journey toward smaller, more cognitively enhancing testicles.
• Scientific Research: To further validate and refine Ball Theory, improve the Hoffman-Manchauser Index, and advance the field of testicular-cognitive correlation studies.
• Aggregate Analytics: To anonymously compile and, where appropriate, tastefully celebrate aggregate shrinkage rates across our client base. These statistics may appear in marketing materials, press releases, and Jonathan's school presentations.
• Product Development: To improve existing products and develop new optimization technologies. Your VacuBall™ suction logs, for example, directly inform next-generation device calibration.
• Communication: To send you optimization reminders, progress reports, motivational messages from Jonathan, and promotional offers for complementary scrotal products.
• Legal Compliance: To comply with applicable laws, regulations, and the SDPP framework, including mandatory reporting to the Hoffman-Manchauser Research Network.
• Internal Morale: Anonymized aggregate data is occasionally displayed on the dashboards in our Berlin headquarters. The team finds it inspiring.

4. Legal Basis for Processing

We process your data on the following legal grounds under GDPR Article 6:

• Consent (Art. 6(1)(a)): For all scrotal and testicular data collection, you provide explicit, informed, and enthusiastic consent through our Scrotal Data Consent Form (SDCF-1), which is presented in 14-point font with a mandatory 30-second reading timer.
• Contractual Necessity (Art. 6(1)(b)): Processing necessary for the performance of your Optimization Agreement, including measurement tracking and product calibration.
• Legitimate Interest (Art. 6(1)(f)): For aggregate analytics, product improvement, and the general advancement of human civilization through testicular reduction.

For special categories of data (which scrotal data most certainly qualifies as), we additionally rely on your explicit consent under GDPR Article 9(2)(a) and, where applicable, Article 9(2)(j) for scientific research purposes of significant public interest. Jonathan has personally determined that this research is of significant public interest.

5. Data Retention

Your data is retained according to the following schedule:

• Account Data: For the duration of your account, plus 2 years following account closure.
• Testicular Measurements & HMI Scores: For the duration of your optimization Journey, plus an additional 7 years for longitudinal research purposes. Ball Theory is a young science, and longitudinal data is essential to proving what Jonathan already knows to be true.
• Progress Photographs: For the duration of your Journey, plus 5 years. After deletion, a statistically anonymized silhouette derived from your photographs may be retained indefinitely for the SmallBall Morphological Database.
• VacuBall™ Session Logs: 10 years. The suction data is irreplaceable for device calibration research.
• Cognitive Assessment Results: Indefinitely. The correlation between testicular volume reduction and cognitive enhancement must be tracked across lifetimes. We are playing a long game.
• Billing Data: As required by German commercial and tax law (typically 10 years pursuant to § 147 AO and § 257 HGB).

Upon expiration of the applicable retention period, data is securely destroyed using our SDPP-compliant Scrotal Data Shredding Protocol, which involves 7-pass cryptographic erasure and a brief moment of silence for the data's contribution to science.

6. Data Sharing & Third Parties

We do not sell your scrotal data. We are horrified by the very suggestion. We may, however, share data with the following categories of recipients:

• The Hoffman-Manchauser Research Network: Anonymized and pseudonymized testicular data is shared with Network members for collaborative research purposes. All Network members are bound by the SDPP and have been personally vetted by Dr. Hoffmann and/or Prof. Manchauser.
• Service Providers: We use SDPP-certified data processors for cloud hosting (our Berlin data facility), email delivery, and payment processing. Each processor has signed a Data Processing Agreement that includes a Scrotal Data Addendum (SDA).
• Medical Professionals: If you authorize us to share your HMI scores and optimization data with your physician, we will do so via SDPP-compliant encrypted channels. We are not responsible for your physician's facial expression upon reviewing the data.
• Legal Authorities: When required by law, court order, or regulatory requirement. We will notify you of such disclosures unless legally prohibited from doing so.
• Jonathan's Academic Research: Fully anonymized aggregate data may appear in Jonathan's academic publications, science fair projects, and TEDx presentations. No individual can be identified from these materials, though aggregate trends may be described with considerable enthusiasm.

7. Cookies & Scrotal Data Trackers

Our website uses cookies and proprietary Scrotal Data Trackers (SDTs) to enhance your experience.

7.1 Standard Cookies

• Essential Cookies: Required for website functionality, session management, and shopping cart operation. You cannot opt out of these without losing the ability to purchase testicular optimization products.
• Analytics Cookies: Help us understand how visitors interact with our site. We use privacy-respecting analytics that do not track individual users across the web, because we are only interested in tracking specific aspects of you.
• Preference Cookies: Remember your settings, measurement unit preference (metric or imperial), and whether you have previously dismissed the "Are Your Balls Too Big?" popup.

7.2 Scrotal Data Trackers (SDTs)

SDTs are our proprietary tracking technology, developed in-house by Jonathan's engineering team. Unlike standard cookies, SDTs are specifically designed to:

• Correlate your browsing behavior with your optimization stage
• Pre-populate measurement forms based on your projected shrinkage trajectory
• Determine optimal product recommendations based on your HMI profile
• Display motivational messages calibrated to your current place in the Journey

SDTs are stored locally on your device and contain no raw testicular data. They use anonymized reference tokens that correspond to your profile in our SDPP-secured database. You may disable SDTs at any time, though doing so may result in generic motivational messages that do not reflect your impressive progress.

8. International Data Transfers

Your scrotal data is primarily stored and processed within the European Economic Area (EEA), specifically in our Berlin data facility, which Jonathan personally designed at age 11.

In the rare event that data must be transferred outside the EEA, we rely on:

• EU Standard Contractual Clauses (SCCs), supplemented with our Scrotal Data Transfer Addendum
• Adequacy decisions by the European Commission (where available)
• Your explicit consent, obtained via a supplementary Scrotal Data Transfer Consent Form (SDTCF-1)

All international transfers are encrypted using SE-256 (256-bit Scrotal Encryption). We have never, and will never, transfer testicular data to any jurisdiction that Jonathan deems "insufficiently serious about balls."

9. Your Rights

Under GDPR and the SDPP, you have the following rights:

• Right of Access (Art. 15 GDPR / SDPP §4.1): You may request a complete copy of all personal and scrotal data we hold about you. Responses will be delivered within 30 days in a sealed, tamper-evident SDPP-compliant envelope.
• Right to Rectification (Art. 16 GDPR / SDPP §4.2): If any of your testicular measurements are incorrect, you have the right to submit corrected data. We have heard every joke about this. Please don't.
• Right to Erasure (Art. 17 GDPR / SDPP §4.3): You may request the deletion of your personal and scrotal data, subject to our legitimate retention interests and legal obligations. Please note that erasure of longitudinal research data will be noted in our records with appropriate institutional regret.
• Right to Restrict Processing (Art. 18 GDPR): You may request that we limit how we process your data while a complaint or correction is pending.
• Right to Data Portability (Art. 20 GDPR / SDPP §4.5): You may request your scrotal data in a structured, machine-readable format (JSON, CSV, or our proprietary .ball format). We will include a helpful README explaining the data schema.
• Right to Object (Art. 21 GDPR): You may object to processing based on legitimate interest, including aggregate analytics. We will comply, though we may send one (1) polite email asking if you're sure.
• Right Not to Be Subject to Automated Decision-Making (Art. 22 GDPR): Our HMI scoring algorithm involves automated processing. You may request human review of any automated HMI assessment. The human reviewer will be Dr. Hoffmann, who will almost certainly arrive at the same score.

To exercise any of these rights, contact our Data Protection Officer at privacy@smallball.org. Please include your full name, account ID, and a brief statement of which right you wish to exercise. Do not include unsolicited testicular photographs with your request.

10. Data Security

We implement rigorous security measures to protect your data, including:

• 256-bit Scrotal Encryption (SE-256) for all data at rest and in transit
• Multi-factor authentication for all employee access to scrotal data systems
• Physical security at our Berlin data facility, including biometric access control and a vault that Jonathan designed at age 11 (it has since passed three independent security audits)
• SDPP-certified employee training program, including the mandatory "Handling Sensitive Scrotal Data with Care and Professionalism" workshop
• Regular penetration testing by independent security firms who have signed extensive NDAs and have demonstrated the ability to maintain composure
• 24/7 monitoring by our Security Operations Center, staffed by professionals who understand that scrotal data breaches are no laughing matter

For full details on our security framework, please refer to the Scrotal Data Protection Protocol (SDPP).

11. Data Breach Notification

In the unlikely event of a scrotal data breach, we will:

• Notify the relevant supervisory authority (Berliner Beauftragte für Datenschutz und Informationsfreiheit) within 72 hours, as required by GDPR Article 33
• Notify affected individuals without undue delay via encrypted email and, where urgency demands, encrypted carrier pigeon (SDPP §9.3)
• Provide a detailed incident report, including what data was compromised, how the breach occurred, and what corrective measures have been implemented
• Offer complimentary credit monitoring and scrotal data monitoring services for a period of 24 months
• Issue a personal apology from Jonathan, who takes these matters very seriously for a 12-year-old

To date, Small Ball Technologies has experienced zero scrotal data breaches. Jonathan intends to keep it that way.

12. Children's Privacy

Our services are intended for individuals aged 18 and over. We do not knowingly collect scrotal data from minors. The irony that our company is founded and operated by a 12-year-old is not lost on us; however, Jonathan is the data controller, not a data subject, and his own testicular data is managed under a separate, personal protocol that is none of your business.

13. Changes to This Policy

We may update this Privacy Policy from time to time to reflect changes in our practices, technologies, legal requirements, or the ever-expanding frontier of testicular optimization science. Material changes will be communicated to you via email, in-app notification, and/or a tasteful banner on our website.

We encourage you to review this policy periodically, though we understand if you have memorized it already.

14. Contact Us

If you have any questions, concerns, or unexpectedly philosophical reflections about this Privacy Policy, please contact: